The day you got married, a day you will never forget. A day of hope, excitement and love. When you looked into your groom’s eyes and said “I do”, you knew you would always feel madly in love with him. But then kids come, and bills need to be paid, and some of the quirks your spouse has aren’t quite as cute as you used to think they were. And the passion you felt in your relationship starts to wane. You wonder if you can ever feel the same fire as you once did. The good news is that yes, indeed you can reignite the flame in your marital relationship. It just takes some conscientious effort. Here are ten things that you can do to bring back the fervor.
1. First you need to recognize that there is a disconnect and talk to your spouse about it. If your mate agrees there is a problem and wants to work on it with you, it is much easier to get the relationship back on track.
2. Talk with your spouse about WHY the connection you once shared has lessened. Are you too focused on other things, such as the kids, or work, or church activities? Have you both put the marriage on the back burner? Often people take the marital relationship for granted and allow busy-ness to get in the way. Too much busy-ness is one of the most common reasons couples don’t have a dynamic alive relationship.
3. Be intentional about a plan for making the marriage a priority again. Remember the days of dating? When you couldn’t wait to be with your significant other? When you put other things aside to just spend time together? This is part of the ongoing maintenance of keeping the flame ignited in your relationship.
My husband and I are both Marriage Therapists. One thing we tell couples is that each person in the relationship needs to be committed not just to the marriage but also be committed to the RELATIONSHIP. There is a difference: I can be committed to the MARRIAGE, “I’m married, I will never get divorced”, but I haven’t committed to making the RELATIONSHIP with my spouse the priority it needs to be. This includes working through issues, attaching needs to the marriage, and staying engaged instead of polarized. The Bible calls us to reconciliation in all relationships, and the marriage relationship is no exception.
4. Make time to be together, not just as a family, but as a couple. So often when working with couples, I ask “When was the last time you and your spouse spent time together just the two of you?”, and most often they can’t even remember the last time. Be intentional about making a plan for connection. For example, you could decide to spend a minimum of 15-20 minutes to be together every day, after the kids go to bed, where you sit across from each other and talk. You could pour a cup of hot tea to share or like my husband and I do, bring a little dark chocolate to the table. Keep the television off and eliminate all other distractions, including the cell phone and iPad. Ask each other questions like you did when you were dating and you were trying to get to know the other person. Ask questions which draw your spouse out so he feels like someone is interested in him.